Life is funny. You feel like you’re going towards something: old age, a successful career, creating a family, getting that expensive house in the fancy part of town, etc. I like having something to be working towards. Hopefully that something is not becoming an old fogey….But lately, I feel like I’m in purgatory. I’m just sitting here, waiting for something to happen.

Usually, I am an active, ambitious person. But somehow, since college, I feel like I’ve tamed. This side has surrendered to the difficulties of life. It’s accepted that nothing is going to change. But just as there are two sides to the coin, I have a yin to my yang. 

The other part of me wants to be released so it can scream and destroy something. It’s been caged too long. It’s restless and ready to roar. One of these days I’m just going to lose it and run down the street in my underwear screaming obscenities. There’s only so long you can wear such tight pants. 

This untamed beast knows that change is possible–and it likes change. It wants to mix things up. To have adventures. The tamed side is sighing right now from fond memories of such adventures. Even my tame side likes adventures. But just when I begin to give up on moving forward, that beast manages to whisper.  Yes, whisper. It tells me that change is inevitable. That life is going to get better. That purgatory will end.

I believe that you are more in control of your destiny than you realize. Choices create change. You have to do something for things to get better. Life is not passive. If you live your life like a person on a train just watching the world blur past, you will reach your final destination with disappointment in the life you lived and the person you became. I believe this, yet I find myself sitting half-asleep waiting for my life to change.

I know it’s best to be active, but I’m not quite sure what I should be doing. I think that is the curse of my generation. We want change. We want things to get better, but we don’t know what we should be doing. We have the hope in our future and more optimism than society thinks we should have. But what are we doing? Why are we just standing here?

Maybe I am not alone in this. Maybe we are all just trying to figure it out. What needs to be done to improve? How do we improve ourselves so we can improve the world around us? How can we bring change to world that needs it?

I don’t have the answers. I’m still struggling to find my way. It would be nice to get out of this dead end and start moving toward something.

As Sam Cooke sings, “It’s been a long, a long time coming but I know change gonna come.” I hope he’s right. I’m ready to crawl out of this box already. And I seriously doubt I’m the only one.


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