Stormy Skies

It’s hard to see the sun when you’re in a the middle of a storm. For so long, I was ready for change. I begged for it and dreamed about it. Now that I’m in the middle of it, I realize how difficult change can be. Not for my mindset, because I’m open and (hopefully) really ready for it. It’s just: Change uproots what you know and replaces it with the unknown.

We’ve moved. It’s official. All of our stuff is in the new house waiting to be unpacked. Our old place is empty now. There’s no turning back. I’ve been working at my new job for  a month and a half now. And it’s been hard. So much harder than I ever expected it could or would be.

The truth is, I’m stressed out and unhappy. But I have to believe this will change after I adjust to the new routine. The job wasn’t what I expected. I feel misled by the description I was given. I feel duped. I uprooted my family’s livelihood for this?!?!

Then I remember the cute farmhouse we’re renting and how it really does feel like my own. I already have pride in it, even though it’s just a rental. And I like it so much better than our last rental. Also, there are adventures to be had in the new city. I’m so excited to get to know some new people and to explore a place with so much opportunity.

It’s just….the career. This is the awful pattern in my life. And I’m really tired of the vicious cycle. To top it off, my husband is still job-searching and the bills are still coming in. And we have to replace the engine in his truck (a repair costing around $5,000). With Christmas days away, it compounds the stress. When I hear Christmas songs on the radio, Scrooge rises up in me and declares, “Bah Humbug!”

I’m trying to make the most of it. This too shall pass. And I do see a break in the clouds. I do feel like there’s hope. I’m not sure why or how, but we will get through this. And in less than a month, we get a fresh start with a brand new year. We can hope to see more positive months ahead. Time will tell.

Until then, I’ll keep staring up at the clouds, trying to see past the gloom to the shining sun behind them. Perhaps this calls for a fresh cup of tea.

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Photo credit: byronv2 via Foter.com / CC BY-NC

 

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Trials and Triumphs

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Life is crazy. On my previous post, I was having bad luck in finding a new job. But right after that post, everything turned around. And now I have a new job. In a new city. Just like I wanted. Crazy, huh?

And now everything has changed.

Sometimes you don’t realize the friends you’ve made until it comes time to say goodbye. I’ve been so wrapped up in some of the things that weren’t going right that I missed some of the wonderful things I already had in front of me. I wanted to get out of this town so badly that I tried to distance myself from people. I didn’t want to make friends that I would have to say goodbye to someday. Or become so attached that I decided to stay. Looking back, it was all because of my ego.

I wanted to feel more important and bigger than what I thought I was. But truthfully, I’ve always been big and important in my own way. I had just lost my confidence. I didn’t feel like I mattered. But it was all in my head, because I matter to many people. Despite trying to keep my distance, I got sucked in. I made friends. And it’s bittersweet that I get to move on. I finally get what I’ve been wanting for a long time now. It’s just as sad as it is exciting. Goodbyes are never easy.

When my husband and I moved to this city over five years ago, we knew no one. Yet we’ve met so many great people here. This job that I’ve complained about has brought me where I am today. I couldn’t do this if I hadn’t gone through the trials and triumphs at my previous position. Today was my last day. It’s strange to call it my previous job.

Truly, whatever you’re going through, no matter how long you’ve been there, it is for a reason. And it may not be the reason you think of.

I used to wonder what lesson I wasn’t learning. It was the only way I could explain why I was still stuck in my circumstances. Now I see that I wasn’t doing anything wrong that needed corrected. I simply needed to grow stronger. I needed to regain the “mojo” I lost.

I’ve learned how to be more fully me. At work, I was able to take off the mask and let my real self out. And it was empowering. I lost the meek demeanor I had taken on. My confidence is back, but I am not as arrogant as I once was.

I needed to be knocked off my feet. I needed to rebuild to become a better version of myself-and that had to start from the bottom. This has not been a fun transformation. There have been dark, dark moments and bouts of hopelessness, despite the appearance of calm happiness.

I knew my circumstances were not terrible. I just longed for them to be better. I longed to fly, even while feeling the joy of running. I just wanted more. And now I’m reaching out for it.

I don’t look down on where I’ve been. That job, that city, and that community helped the transition. If anything, I owe a debt.

It is wonderful to feel this enlightened and positive after years of lingering on the negative. I see now that I am blessed with a capital “B”.

I didn’t always see what lay before my feet. I didn’t see the light because of one shadow on the wall. But I’m better now. My eyes have been opened. I’ll look back on this phase in my life as a time of tumultuous change, but not the change of darkness. It was a painful molding process. Change can hurt. But often, we look back and see that it was for the best. And if we don’t change, we don’t get that lightning moment where we realize that all is not lost. And we have so much more than we realize.

I go on to the next phase with a new job in a new location, just as I hoped. But now, I’m strong enough to do it. Thank God the world isn’t as I once perceived it. For all the terrible things out in the world, there is also good. And it can be so easy to miss out on the good things if we accept the bad as truth. Today, my truth has changed. And I choose to seek out the positives.

I choose a new path.

Photo credit: philch6 / Foter.com / CC BY-NC-SA