Sweaty Change

We’re getting a dog. I’ve been holding us back on such a thing because I wanted to be more settled and at least want to live in the city I’m in beforehand. It felt like a ginormous commitment, like a furry child to care for.

But now, I find myself relenting, not because I want to stay here, but because I have a tendency to hang too much importance on the small stuff. It’s so easy to get caught up and distracted by things that really don’t matter–or shouldn’t. We can “uproot” a dog very easily. It is nothing close to having a real, human child to rear.

I worried (and still do) about finding a place to live that will allow us to have a dog without a huge expense. But really, it doesn’t matter. What will be will be. If we are meant to get out of here (Please, God, say we are!), there will be a place for us that will fit our needs.

I’ve been practically begging God for a change. There are so many things I’d like to change for the better. But I have such a good life. I’m blessed beyond my comprehension. I don’t think I even realize how blessed I am. Changes are happening, but not the ones I anticipated. I wanted my external circumstances to change, but now I see that I am the one that needs to change. And I am. I’m getting a dog after all these years of stubborn antagonism towards the idea.

I’m finding myself yielding in many ways, even in the small ways. I’m trying to break myself out of a rut and challenge myself to welcome all changes, not just the ones I long for.

Yesterday, I bought Baileys Irish Cream liquor instead of the off-brand. Why? Because it’s been years since I’ve had Bailey’s and it’s about time I have the good stuff and quit settling for second best. Small as that is, it’s a good metaphor for how I should be acting right now. Why settle? Why not shoot for the good stuff, especially when I have the means to get it?

I’ve been consumed by the idea of escaping this place, this job, this situation. But like I said earlier, I am so blessed. Even if (God forbid) I don’t leave here, I would be well off compared to many. My needs are met. My problems are “first-world” problems, as my husband would say. They do not compare to those of the third-world countries.

I agree with that to an extent, but I think we can be pushed into complacency by always comparing ourselves to others, even those less fortunate. I think we should look at people who are struggling and be more grateful for what we have, but that doesn’t mean we should feel guilty for wanting more. And for me, that’s a huge struggle. It’s a balance, as all things in life are.

You can’t stop the world from changing. I’ve got to quit waiting for something to give. No more sweaty change. It’s time to quit pushing change away because I think it’s not the right kind or that timing is off. What do I know about the plan for my life? No one knows until they get there. So I stand where I am and bravely face the fierce winds ahead.


Confessions of a Trash Heap


I’ve been thrown away. Over and over again, actually. By other people who don’t even know me. People underestimate the power they have in their dealings with others. They can build others up and encourage them, as we all know we should. Or they can tear them down. Rip their personhood to shreds, toss it in an empty barrel, and light it up. But then there is nothing else. With the personhood goes the integrity, the kindness, the love that person had within them. It’s now gone. Destroyed by someone who didn’t have the vision to see beyond themselves and their current mood when crossing paths with this person.

My whole career, I’ve worked at such places. I am trash. I am nothing. I am not worth their time. That is what is told to me by the hateful words and the edgy body language. All because they are having a bad day. And now I am as well.

When you work with the general public, you always meet people that have bad days. But their outstanding bad days can seep into your own pores just by being close to them. They take it out on you and over time, that’s what cuts you to the core.

One person cussing and spitting in your face is one thing. But day after day after day of the same scenario with a different face…that tends to wear on you. And I’m a worn out rag. I wonder if I was once a beautiful silk scarf full of bright color. But I really don’t know. I can’t remember. Now I’m just a rag ready for disposal. Ready to feel the all-consuming heat. My only reprieve from this condemnation. Somebody light the fire already before there’s nothing left of me.

Photo credit: Thomas Hawk / Foter / CC BY-NC

Black Moon Tides

Lumen Christi

Change is in the air. So much so that even the moon is going through unique phases. On Thursday, there was a black moon. That means that there were two new moons in a 30 day period. Kind of like a blue moon, except that the moon is blacked out. This moon was also a supermoon, which means that it was slightly closer to the earth during its orbit and appeared larger than normal. Tides were higher as well.

Unfortunately, the sky was white with clouds all day, so I couldn’t see it for myself. But that didn’t stop my husband and me from celebrating it. It can get kind of mystical, but some people believe the black moon is a sign of fresh beginnings and that hidden truths will be revealed. Sounded fun to us. We went out to a fancier restaurant than normal and I finally gave in and got that expensive salmon on the menu. It was delicious. We drank martinis instead of beer. We did what we could to change our normal routine. It was refreshing. It was a way for us to welcome change.

The Chinese New Year began the following day. I’m not one of those people who like horoscopes or predictions of how the year is going to be, but I looked it up for this post. They are saying that it’s going to be a year of conflict, where people stick to their principles and won’t compromise. Of course, your personal prediction for the year depends on what your Chinese zodiac is.

I hate reading stuff like this because you have a tendency to make it happen the way it predicts if you believe the prediction is true. So instead of a terrible year, as it predicts for me, I choose to believe in a year of prosperous change. Things are going to get better for me in 2014. I will make my own fortune and pave a new road. There are good changes up ahead. Not because of the moon or the year I was born, but because I have the power to choose to make it different. I am in control of the decisions I make and the way I interact with the world and the problems around me.

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to lucky, prosperous 2014. May we all make strides to a better life for ourselves this year. I’ll keep you updated.

Photo credit: Eustaquio Santimano / Foter / CC BY-NC-ND